Category Archives: life

Esteemages, Self or Otherwise, part #314

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I was having a wide-ranging talk with a friend last night, and I found myself quoting another friend. “There’s a part of me that lives in constant fear that other people are going to figure out that I’m just faking it. That I’m not really all grown up, et cetera.”

And he said he is continually amazed (and somewhat heartened) at how many people he thinks of as pretty accomplished confess to that feeling. “It’s sort of comforting to know I’m not the only one.”

The thing is, there’s another part of me, possibly a bigger part, that is probably the world’s most arrogant man imaginable. That part of me is absolutely convinced that there is not a single problem in the world—heck, in the universe!—that I can’t fix, if I just have the time. That part of me knows it can figure out anything, just given some time to study the situation.

And somewhere in between is a practical part of me that knows some problems are intractable. But it can only reign in the arrogant one with the argument that we have to pick our battles. We don’t have time to solve everything, and besides, we should have some fun every now and then.

I don’t completely understand how the arrogant guy and the “I don’t know what I’m doing!” guy live in the same head, but I’ve had to come to accept it.

This morning I had the following epiphany: I know that there are things I’m really good it. Even “I don’t know what I’m doing!” me knows that we are freaky good at diagnosing certain kinds of computer problems and finding work-arounds. I know it. I’m constantly doing it at work. I receive frequent compliments and expressions of gratitude from other people for helping them with these things.

But, there’s that niggling suspicion that the reason so few other people are good at it is not because it is the result of a particular talent, but more because it isn’t really that important. Everyone else secretly knows that there will always be one idiot savant who actually can fix these weird issues (or at least show you how to recover your work and make the application produce what you need). It’s not worth their time to learn how to think like this and do those things, see?

Objectively, I know that isn’t true, but this comes from that irrational part of the brain. There is always going to be that doubt that these things I’m good at aren’t anywhere near as difficult or important as they seem to me.

There’s also the fact that I don’t want to turn into the arrogant jerk all the time. There are plenty of them out there, already. So the practical me understands the value of that self-doubt. Self-esteem unchecked is bad for myself, people around me, and the world at-large. Unchecked self-doubt is pretty destructive, too. There needs to be a balance.

Acknowledge your own talents. When you do something, do it with confidence, but never forget that you can make mistakes. And when those mistakes happen, don’t despair, don’t deny, don’t ignore. Fix them.

Turn-overs

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A couple days ago we learned that our old car, which we traded in the second Saturday of May when we bought the Outback, has apparently been sold.

I learned this because whoever bought it as been driving back and forth across the 520 bridge without a Good To Go™ pass beginning on May 27. So I was mailed a bill for their tolls. Continue reading Turn-overs →

Sick and tired, for real!

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I keep getting very sleepy mid afternoon at work. Then, each night this week I have gone to sleep at least an hour earlier than usual. Last night it was nearly three hours early.

And then I over slept this morning and had to scramble to get to work.

My symptoms have merely been “bad hayfever” all week, and given the steadily rising pollen count, that’s to be expected. But Sunday’s symptoms were clearly a cold, so I’m assuming I am still carrying a low level infection that is mostly being lost in the noise of the hay fever. Except for the sleepiness part.

Oh, and yesterday I kept making stupid little mistakes at work. All day. So today I’m making little checklists for everything. It slows me down. But I am ahead of schedule on all my current projects, so slowing down to quadruple-check things for a couple of days isn’t going to hurt anything.

This has had the side effect of not leaving me much time in the evening to attack my writing problem or to finish the Omnibus layout I need to complete. Or collect that software I need to send to Mom.

*sigh*

Why I hate hay fever reason #5321

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I have hay fever. Lots of people do. When I was last assessed by an allergist, the verdict was that it was only mild to moderately severe, depending. Most people with hay fever are allergic to only a few species or categories of pollen.

Not me.

I seem to be allergic to every pollen, spore, and mold there is. Which means that in Seattle’s climate, hay fever season runs from mid- February through mid-December. And even longer if we have an especially mild winter.

So during this time of year I have congested sinuses 7 days a week. It would also be sinus headaches 7 days a week if not for my prescription allergic medication. As it is, I have sinus headaches, itchy eyes, and so forth, a couple days out of every week. Usually brought on by an increase in overall pollen count or simply a new species coming into bloom.

In other words, I feel as if I’m coming down with a cold every single day.

Which means I never know I’m sick (and thus possibly contagious) until many days after it starts.

Sunday morning we both had really bad sinus headaches. I’d had severe enough symptoms to require over-the-counter cold tablets on top of my usual meds for three days leading up to Sunday. Sunday was much worse, as there were also body aches and no energy. I kept falling asleep throughout the day. Which meant I was monopolizing the shared washer and dryer downstairs all day, because I was late to swap out loads again and again.

At one point I felt as if my head was horribly sick–all swollen, itchy, and feverish feeling?–while my body had another ailment altogether, achey and cold, oh, so cold. As if I were a member of the species of the king and queen of the moon from Baron Munchhausen with detachable heads.

I don’t know if I’d been able to do anything different if I had known sooner I was sick. But I’d like to think so…

Parading

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Several years ago I wrote descriptions of three parades I’d attended in Seattle. The Seafair Torchlight Family Parade had been full of drunkenness, near-nudity (and more than a few flashed nipples and butts), and many floats built around a sexual innuendo or erotic pun. The Fremont Arts Council Solstice Parade had featured (as it does every year) the nude bicyclists, among other things. While the Pride Parade that year had had a lot of families, several church groups, fully-clothed people dancing, one large group with their adorable Corgi dogs… and in general a lot less nudity and sexual innuendo than I had seen the year before at the Seafair Family parade.

Which isn’t to say there wasn’t nudity and innuendo, along with brightly-colored feathers, beads, and way more body glitter than you can imagine. But the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer Pride Parade and Freedom Day March (if I am correctly recalling what the official title was that year) contained a lot less flaunting of sexuality than either of the other two.

Another big difference between the Pride Parade and those others is a tradition that’s been around since the very first: as the parade goes by, members of the community that have been watching step off the curb and join, performing the simple (yet significant) act of walking up the street proclaiming that you refuse to keep hiding in the closet. That’s how a dozen fully clothed people with Gay Pride signs who started marching up New York City’s Fifth Avenue that June morning in 1970 became a crowd of thousands of Gay men and Lesbians by the time it reached Central Park.

It’s not the same closet that each of us is refusing to return to. The first time I joined the march, I was only at the, “I’m not sure where I fit, exactly, but I know I’m not heterosexual and I’m ready to stop hiding” stage. A couple years later I was at the “Yeah, I’m Gay or Queer or whatever you call it; You have a problem with that?” Then I mellowed to the “Yep! I’m Gay!” which quickly became “What do you mean, you didn’t know we’re Gay?”

Others march to say, “I’m way too fabulous for any label!” While others march to say, “People I knew and loved have died, but I’ve survived, and I will not let you forget them!” or “No matter how many times you beat me down, I’m standing back up!” Others join the march to say, “I’m not gay or bisexual or any of those things, but people I love are, and if you have a problem with them, then you’ve got a problem with me!”

And because there are people who do have problems with us, because kids are bullied (sometimes to death) just because other people think they might be one of us, because we’ve come so far, because we’ve still got battles before us, because each and every person is a miracle, because no one should be ashamed to love, we need to keep having these parades.

So, let’s celebrate!

Failing to learn from history…

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Growing up in Southern Baptist Churches (though not, technically, in the South), I was taught that the denomination was formed during the Civil War. Because there was an actual war going on, annual conventions couldn’t meet. Also, I was told, a lot of the northern churches were mixed up in politics and had been looking for an excuse to ditch the southern churches who were more concerned with missionary work.

Later, I learned that almost every last one of those details was utterly false.

The Southern Baptist Churches split off from the nationwide Triennial Baptist Convention 15 years prior to the Civil War. The primary reason they split was that the Southern Churches were pro-slavery. They were extremely pro-slavery, arguing that God picked which people were born one race or another because he knew which ones needed to be subservient, and which needed to be in charge. Most of the people who attended Baptist churches in the North were anti-slavery, and thought that all humans, being God’s children, should be equal before the law.

Continue reading Failing to learn from history… →

Being friendly?

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This morning was a bit of a mess. I lost track of time. My poor hubby wasn’t feeling well. I got out of the house late. I missed the bus I wanted to catch, the next bus was late. The drawbridge went up just as we got to it. A later neighborhood on the route which is usually peaceful and flies by had stop-and-go traffic.

And a co-worker called in sick.

But none of that was terribly bad. No, what was bad was the manic guy who got on the bus three stops after me, absolutely intent on Being Friendly. He could not shut up. And it would not be accurate to say he wouldn’t stop talking.

Talking implies he had an inside voice.

No, he had to announce and exclaim everything, with vigorous hand gestures. It was all friendly conversation to anyone and everyone. “It’s a beautiful day! But then every day is beautiful! Because the world is an amazing place and we should all be grateful to enjoy it? Did you know today is the summer solstice! I don’t mean the parade, that was last weekend…”

And on and on.

Having had to share the bus with a few true crazies or simply belligerent anti-social types, I know it could have been worse.

And It’s more than a bit sad that he didn’t realise that by nearly shouting his non-stop friendly banter to everyone, that he’s really not talking with anyone.

Fly season

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As the weather warms, we open more windows, sometimes prop open the door, and generally open up the house. We also start eating more fresh fruit and produce.

One of the side effects of all of that is the appearance of flies.

Over the years, I’ve learned way more about flies than I care to know.

The little gnat-like flies that hang out around the houseplants? Those actually live and breed down in the soil. You can spray the plant with every insecticide you dare, and it won’t bother the flies. To get rid of those flies, you need at least an inch of clean sand or gravel on top of the soil. The adult flies have difficulty getting down to the fertile soil to lay their eggs. The larvae that do get down there, can’t climb high enough to avoid drowning fast enough when you water. Takes a couple months, but it works a charm. Just be warned that about every other year you’ll need to replace the sand or gravel.

The other little gnat-like flies that hang around the kitchen? They don’t fly in from outside. You brought them in with that fresh fruit you picked up at the store. Their microscopic eggs were on or in the skin of the fruit. Washing the fruit before eating it and eating it quickly can slow down the arrival of the flies, but that doesn’t really knock them out. You’re just going to need to trap them. Homemade traps can be made by pouring honey, syrup, or a sweet red wine into shallow cups (though I think that only gets half—the other half just eat and get away). You have to change them often, and it’s more than a bit gross.

Slathering bleach on every surface in the kitchen does nothing about the flies, but people keep trying. Yeah, go to extra effort to clean, but the idea is to eliminate their food—spilled edible substances. Bleach is way overrated as a household cleaner, anyway. Vinegar often does a better job of getting rid of what you’re trying to eliminate with the bleach, and it’s less dangerous to the environment.

I have had people suggest that if I were more tolerant of spiders, I would have fewer flies. To which I say: half the reason I want to get rid of flies is to deprive the spiders of food!

Weather is not climate

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Last week we received an amount of rain slightly greater than the average for the entire month of June.

June in Western Washington is cool and damp. This freaks out a lot of people. Newcomers more than long time residents, but the long timers over react, too. Thanks to the way atmospheric patterns of the pacific change as the northern hemisphere transitions through spring, we always wind up with several weeks in May where the sun comes out and warms us not to summer temps, but certainly warm enough for people to switch to shorts and t-shirts. We get virtually no rain for a few weeks, and people start thinking summer is here.

But the atmosphere is far fromthe summer pattern. As it gets closer to that summer shift, a curious thing happens. High pressure over the Pacific starts pushing cold, but not terribly wet, air at the northwest corner of the continent. Prevailing airflow from the inlands traps that air over a narrow band, and we get several weeks of overcast.

We call it June Gloom.

Now here’s the thing. It happens every year. This is part of our spring. People who complain, including long time residents, are suffering from some kind of amnesia.

The June Gloom is mostly about clouds, not rain. Yeah, it drizzles a bit, usually at night (Cliff Mass’s weather blog has a nice explanation for why most of our June rain happens before dawn), but June is not our wettest month, by any means. So getting an amount of rain equal tothewhole month ofJune inasingle week, well, it’s nothing compared to a week of rain in November.

If we get only typical rain for the rest of the month, we won’t even set a new record.

And remember: official summer in most of the Northern Hemisphere is still ten days away.

While for Seatle, you’ve got a bit over a month.

Talking in code

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If we blog about our lives, we inevitably share information about other people. Usually nothing terribly consequentially, but it is still not, technically, our information and ours alone to share. When we’re having a conversation with friends, no one blinks if we mention friends, co-workers, or relatives. “My Mom sent me a funny picture,” perhaps. Or “this guy I work with is always telling the most groan-worthy puns.”

All harmless, right?

But sometimes something that seems just amusing and/or unimportant to us may be highly embarrassing to the person we’re talking about. An off-the-cuff comment might make a few friends laugh, or it might ruin someone’s job prospects.

Corporations tend to be more cautious about that sort of thing, which is why we occassionally read stories of people being fired for something they tweeted or shared on Facebook.

Long before those services became ubiquitous, I adopted the practice of referring to my place of work by a code name. Even then leaving out details, always discussing things in generic or abstract terms. I ofent described my work load with juggling metaphors. Heavy workload with tight deadlines and/or a lot riding on the success of the projects, and I’m juggling chainsaws, one or two of which may have time bombs attached. A lull between major projects where I’m doing lots of project clean up or administrative stuff with one or two tiny things on deadline, then I’m juggling a few bowling pins, rubber balls, and a knife.
Continue reading Talking in code →