Monthly Archives: October 2012

Mr Open-minded Seldom Is

news, , , ,

As a gay man hoping to one day enjoy full equal rights under the law, I spend probably far too much time reading about people who are trying to prevent those rights from being granted. A surprising number of them describe themselves as open-minded, just before they start spewing their most bigoted talking points.

Which reminded me of a discussion I had with some friends a while back. We had all met people who had described themselves as open-minded, yet once we got to know them, they were quite the opposite. There are several reasons for this phenomenon:

The first is defensive: some of them have been accused often enough of being narrow-minded or intolerant that they are now trying to preempt more accusations. Like the professional spokespeople for various hate groups, they operate under a delusion that simply saying they are open-minded will somehow cause you not to notice their narrow-minded behavior or statements.

If they aren’t delusional, they’re simply trying really hard not to appear to be intolerant, because they’ve realized that if people think you’re intolerant, only intolerant people will hang out with you, and they aren’t usually good company. You would hope that realizing this would make them try to figure out how to actually be more open-minded. Maybe someday it will.

Some people are genuinely trying to be open-minded. In some cases, they recognized that their past narrow-minded behavior ruined a friendship, broke up a relationship, or simply hurt someone they cared about. Now they feel guilty and are trying to be open-minded. And there’s nothing wrong with trying, per se, but it is a little disingenuous to say they “are” open-minded when they’re only in the hoping-to-be stage.

There are others who aren’t at the trying stage, they simply misunderstand what open-minded means. For instance, for some open-minded means smiling condescendingly at people, ideas, or behaviors they disapprove of—sometimes even encouraging the behavior—only to ridicule and condemn it later when the person isn’t around. It’s a form of social entrapment: I’ll pretend I accept you as you are in order to get you to reveal more of yourself, then use what I learn against you.

Similarly, some think being open-minded means letting the other person have their say before telling them just how very wrong they are. Now, sometimes that’s how a debate can look to an outsider, but every interaction shouldn’t be a debate. And there’s a difference between gritting one’s teeth while waiting for the other person to finish spouting off their nonsense so you can tell them what they ought to think, and sincerely trying to understand why the other person feels that way. And consider whether maybe there might be room in your worldview for more than one opinion on the matter.

Along the same lines, some folks think that they have a nuanced position on some issues, because they are willing to be friends with the unfortunate people who are so wrong-thinking. “I’m not bigoted! I know that it’s not really your people’s fault that all of you are mentally ill and morally bankrupt. It’s like a sickness. And look at how big hearted I am, willing to be next to you and not at all afraid it might be catching!”

Most of these are just a subset of a bigger truth about human behavior: the more eager someone seems to be to describe themselves with a particularly positive treat, the more emphatically they insist that they do not feel a particular negative way, the more likely that the opposite of what they are saying is the truth.

As Hamlet’s mother famously observed, “The lady doth protest too much, methinks.”

Personal isn’t always private, part 2

blogging, , ,

For a long time there was a forum on Reddit called “jailbait” whose purpose was for people to post pictures of underage girls they thought were hot, sexy, what have you. Most of the pictures posted there had been stolen from Facebook accounts or similar online forums, where the picture had originally been posted by the girl herself. The guys who frequented the jailbait forum and posted there rationalized their theft because “if the girls didn’t want people looking at those pictures, they shouldn’t have posted them.”

None put forward the argument more loudly or prolifically than the moderator, a guy who called himself Violentacrez (pronounced “violent acres”). Continue reading Personal isn’t always private, part 2 →

So, what are ya gonna do about it?

life, , ,

It’s a cliché to say it rains a lot in Seattle. Jokes about long-time residents having gills, or webbed feet, or that we don’t recognize that blinding bright ball that appears in the sky sometimes passed both cliché and passé decades ago.

This year was unusual. We had a drier than usual July. August, which is statistically our driest month anyway, wasn’t merely drier than usual, it was the driest that has ever been recorded. September nearly tied the record for driest September, ever, and for the first 11 days of October, the dry streak had continued. We had experienced just over 13 weeks of extraordinarily dry, warm, sunny weather. It was not as bad a drought as the midwest was experiencing, but it did effect crops throughout the state.

On Friday morning the dry streak ended with a light misting of just over a tenth of an inch of rain (though more was in the forecast, and heavier rain was falling nearby). I was checking my usual collection of news blogs and sources on line, and there, on one of my regular places, a reporter who I know has lived here for more than seven years, was already bitching about the rain.
Continue reading So, what are ya gonna do about it? →

“Family”

life, , ,

I didn’t talk much about why coming out is important yesterday in my National Coming Out Day post. The reasons I would usually give—about living life honestly, about the benefits of not living in fear, and so on—get dismissed by some people, who think that such honesty is somehow “shoving things in their face.”

The best answer is one I got from a news blog’s comment section four years ago. When Proposition 8 passed in California, revoking the right of marriage equality that had already been exercised by a few thousand people, protest marches were organized around the country, and a person identifying herself as Tina posted the following:

If you want to know why I am marching it is because I remember being six years old and having to sit in a hospital waiting room with my parents and my Uncle RJ while his partner of 19 years (a man I knew as Uncle Ron who taught me how to braid my hair and wear pinks and reds because they highlighted my coloring) died alone in a hospital room that only “family” was allowed into… Then, as a child, I couldn’t understand why we weren’t allowed to say goodbye to him… Now, as an adult, I still don’t get it. People are people and frankly I figure we could all use a little more love and equality in the world.

These sorts of things still happen—partners who have taken care of each other, loved each other, pledged themselves to each other, get locked out of hospital rooms, are denied access to accident reports, are barred from funerals (often by family members of the deceased who had disowned the deceased years before over the “lifestyle choice”).

As testimony given in the New York state legislature last year demonstrated, these sorts of things even happen in places where the law recognizes “domestic partners.”

Me telling you I love Michael isn’t revealing anything more about our private activities than any person’s mention of their spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend. Strangers mention spouses in causal conversation all the time, and no one is harmed in any way.

But there is real harm that comes from the ostracism and hiding.

Come out, come out, where ever you are

life, , , , ,

Today is National Coming Out Day. If Ray were still alive, it would also be the day we’d be celebrating the nineteenth anniversary of our commitment ceremony (he promised to stay with me for the rest of his life, and he did).

Since I am still regularly surprised to learn that someone I’ve known for a while hasn’t ever figured out I’m gay: my husband and I are both men, and we’re very much in love with each other and happy together.

But while I’m (re-)stating what I think ought to be obvious, I would like to announce that I am a card-carrying liberal gay man who thinks:

  • that gun control means hitting what you aim at but people who irresponsibly allow guns to fall into kids’ hands resulting in death or injury should face severe legal consequences;
  • that the death penalty has a place in a well-run justice system but so does jury nullification;
  • that a flag-burning amendment is as un-American as anything could possibly be, but people who fly a flag should learn the flag code and stop leaving their flags out at night and in the rain;
  • that war and violence are terrible things we should always work hard to avoid, but the people who risk their lives in service to their communities and nation deserve our respect and gratitude;
  • that the right to assemble and petition our government absolutely allows people to march, protest, chant, and otherwise demonstrate in public places, but if you’re not willing to pay the price of possibly being arrested for blocking your fellow citizens from going about their business, you deserve a slap up-side-the-head;
  • that people have the right to control their own bodies, but refusing to get your children vaccinated demonstrates a criminal level of ignorance, is the equivalent of child abuse, and puts neighbors, friends, and strangers at risk for preventable and sometimes fatal diseases;
  • that no one who is not going into a battle zone needs a Hummer, but people who blindly protest nuclear power plants can’t do basic math about energy needs and energy sources;
  • that proportional representation would greatly improve our country, but so would at least one of the major parties actually moving left-of-center;
  • that the right to believe as you wish includes the right not to believe at all, but rabid atheists are no less annoying than the other kinds of fundamentalists;
  • that being polite costs nothing while reaping great rewards, but no one should have to put up with disrespectful behavior;
  • that there isn’t enough science education in our schools, but there isn’t enough art, music, or history either;
  • and that you get out of life what you put into it, but you also get a lot of both the good and the bad through no fault or merit of your own.

The trouble with required reading

literature, , ,

A friend was complaining about how off-putting the list of required reading was for her son returning to school, and I empathized. Then several more people mentioned the same topic on Facebook, and I thought, “Well it’s the beginning of the school year, so everyone is seeing their kids’ list and remembering their own experiences back in the day.”

Then Cracked.com had an article about the ways high school destroys the reading enthusiasm of many kids, and I wondered if a new school year was the only explanation. Continue reading The trouble with required reading →

One day I will buy your things…

conventions, fandom

There’s a kind of encounter one has when staffing a table at a convention which happens so frequently, that it practically qualifies as an archetype. Every con several people stop at the table and explain how they’ve heard many good things about our publication, or that they read a friend’s copy of one or more of our books and loved it, or otherwise know that what we publish is something they would love, love, love, if only they had the spare cash right now to buy it.

I’m quite sure that most of them are being truthful (or trying to be). I certainly understand having a limited budget at a convention. I have only to look at the large pile of books I have yet to read to empathize with the “not gotten around to it” aspect of the explanation.

I also recognize that there is a social obligation aspect to it. They feel guilty for not buying stuff, whether because they’ve stopped to sample the free candy, or taken up a bunch of my time with questions about the project, or just because they made eye contact while browsing the table.

When the same person gives you the same excuse for many years at many conventions, it starts being a challenge to extend them the benefit of the doubt. Really, you’re so broke at every convention, year after year, that you don’t pick up things you desperately want year after year? I mean, yeah, I’ve often drooled over very expensive cars, then told myself that the higher cost of the car, insurance, and upkeep over the car I do own are not worth it.

But we’re talking about books that cost less than 10 bucks—some are only $5—not tens of thousands of dollars. Our stuff can be ordered online. They’re available from two different distributors, who occasionally offer them at discounts.

Which isn’t to say that anyone is obligated to buy any of our stuff. It is just difficult to believe the people who insist they are very anxious to buy them, but…

Not that I want to punish anyone for trying to be polite.

I do, sometimes, want to smack people with a wet trout for blocking other people from looking at our things because they are going on and on about how they can’t afford it, or can’t decide, or have been meaning to get around to us. A few moments is fine. Even just being social and asking how things are, or asking questions about the products is fine. But recognize that you’re taking up my time, your own time, and preventing someone else from browsing.

If you think five bucks is too much to scrape together for a book, then why are you squandering all this time, too?

Wrong in all the right ways

fandom, , ,

Every convention I have ever attended has included conversations with people who do not seem to be on the same time-space continuum as I am. This has been just as true at the journalism conferences I attended back in the day, or the evangelical mission conference I once attended, or any tech conferences, not just the sci fi, comics, gaming, or anthropomorphics conventions.

I realize that it is mostly a matter of statistics: a certain percentage of the population could be categorized as odd or downright crazy, so any situation that puts you in contact with a bunch of people in a constrained time will include some of them. There’s also likely a correlation between certain personality types and enthusiasm. In other words, the sort of person most likely to choose or agree to attend a convention dedicated to any topic may be more likely to be a few standards deviations out from the norm in some way or other.

Often after conventions I summarize some of the conversations I had with random people while sitting behind my table in the dealer’s den. I do this for entertainment value, and so have usually picked the silliest, weirdest, or just most dumb-founding. Which creates the impression that that’s all the happens.

It’s not.

Also, for some reason, there were a lot fewer of the really odd ones this time.

So, I think this time I want to focus on the more positive fun encounters:

Fan #38: Points to my t-shirt. “Hey, is that a pony? Which one?”

I lift my badge up out of the way. “It’s Derpy!”

Fan #38: “Derpy! I need a Derpy shirt! Wait, why does she have a muffin?”

Me: “Why shouldn’t she have a muffin?”

Fan #38: “No, no, no! Derpy should have a chocolate chip cookie!”

Me: “Derpy can handle either.”

Fan #38: “True. More Derpy!”

———————

Fan #9: Stops and grabs friend’s arm. “Oh! This is one of the books I was telling you about!”

Fan #10: “What? Another comic?”

Fan #9: “No, it’s stories! Science fiction and stuff.” Makes eye contact with me. “I really like your stuff. Oh! Look, that’s a new issue!”

Me: “Just published last week, actually.” I look at the other guy, who has picked up one of our zines. “Do you want me to explain how the project works?”

fan #10: “Sure…”

I gave him the usual spiel about being a collaborative project, and that we’re a non-profit with a mission of fostering creative skills, and a bit about the universe.

Fan #9, meanwhile, has pulled copies of the most recent two issues from the racks. “I’ll take these.”

Fan #10 puts the issue he’d been looking at back down, and asks his friend, “I can read these, right?”

Fan #9: “Yeah, but if you like ’em, you should pick up the whole set.”

I rang up the sale, handled the change, then pulled out one of the blind bag boxes.

Fan #10: “You’re giving away ponies?”

Me: “One blind bag with each purchase, subscription, or renewal.”

Fan #10: “So I can come back tomorrow when I have money. Cool!”

(I don’t know if he came back, since I wasn’t always watching the table)

———-

Fan #87: “There you are! I was afraid you weren’t around any more when I didn’t see you last year.”

Me: “We were here last year.”

Fan #87 is picking up the last several issues from the racks. “Really? I looked and looked.”

I pointed out where we had been, and mentioned the posters.

Fan #87: “I don’t know how I missed you. Tell me about this Omnibus…”

———-

Fan #43: “Yeah, I picked up some of your books last year, but only really liked a couple of the stories.”

Me: “I’m sorry.”

Fan #43: “It happens. I really, really like those two stories, but some of the others just weren’t my thing.”

Me: “Do you remember which ones you liked?”

Fan #43 describes two tales. I ask some questions, he answers. We determine the stories were “New Queensland Station,” originally published in issue #2, reprinted in the Omnibus, and “A Shadow’s Kiss” from Eclipse. We talk some more about what he liked about them. Eventually I suggest he might possibly enjoy “Beside Himself” from Skulduggery, and point out a sequel, “The Shadow of Azrael” was printed in a more recent issue. He decides to pick them up.

The next day, Fan #43 stops by the table. “I haven’t had time to read them all, yet, but I really loved the story in the Special Edition. Thanks for recommending it!”

Amazingly amazing!

fandom, ,

I had a great time at RainFurrest this past weekend, despite several things that did not go according to plan.

Because of a mix up at Michael’s work, he didn’t get Thursday off. So I had to finish packing the car after he left for work. One of the events I was supposed to assist with involved a script that I didn’t receive until Thursday morning… and which needed some editing so I could read it. Which contributed to my being late. But wasn’t the only culprit. So while I had hoped to arrive in time to have a couple of hours to set up our table in the Dealers’ Den and get checked into the room, I arrived less than a half hour before the den opened.

Which meant I was still unpacking and setting up inventory when the first customers walked up. Both were people with lists of which things they wanted to pick up, and they wanted to get purchased early, before they’d spent all their money on other things. That was nice.

Chuck was sharing the project table again, and he made more sales in the first day that he had the entire convention last year. He was happy enough with how sales went that he’s talking about getting his own table next year.

Michael took the bus and light rail down after work, arriving at the restaurant as we were thinking of ordering dessert. It was nice to have my hubby, at last!

Friday was a good, bustling day. I had only one panel that day, but it was a fun one, and my co-panelists were cool. I believe Friday night was when a bunch of us gathered in our room to give Gloom a try. I definitely want to play it again, now that a few more of us have an idea how the game is supposed to work.

Saturday was my insane day. I had three panels in a row, one break, another panel, a break, and then I had to be at the Coyotl Award/Ursa Major Award reception at 9. It just made for a very busy day.

Sunday was slow in the dealers’ den. As it almost always is.

I got the most writing done on Friday. I managed to compose a song and write a couple thousand words of an accompanying story. I need to make sure I do a lot more ukulele practicing between now and the Christmas party, or this is going to be a disaster. Saturday was just a bit too crazy for getting any writing done. Then on Sunday, I realized that the story I was working on was just far, far too grim to be a Christmas Ghost story… and I came up with a different plot and got about a thousand words or so of that, instead. I also did a little work on some other tales in progress.

Several of our usual gang all had to be elsewhere very shortly after the den closed, so it was a smaller group than I would have liked (myself, Mark, Chuck, and Michael) who went out for dinner one last time. On the other hand, C.D., who had not been able to attend to con, joined us for dinner. So that was good.

This was the first year in a while that my actual birthday didn’t land during this convention. But it was close enough that it still counted, in my head, as an extended birthday party. And I had a great time.

I also learned that the other Gene’s birthday is the day after mine. That’s just… weird. But he agrees with me that September babies are superior.

Our sales were good, not great. But definitely good. I have some better ideas for next year’s table display. And yes, I’m making plans for next year, already.

It was a great con!